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| so, i am suddenly inspired to write an entry today. but i feel that i cannot write the entry i wanted to write without catching up my blog. it's been quite a long while since i last wrote in here... it is now almost the end of may... where has time gone?
well.... perhaps one of the greatest life-changing events occurred since i last wrote in this blog.
YES, I GOT MARRIED! wow.. i never thought that would happen. seriously. pretty much all my life, i longed to meet someone who i could make that connection with and take that leap (of faith) with... and now it's happened!
On March 21, 2009, I married Jared Lawrence and we are now,... well.. married!!!
I could certainly go ON and write more about it all! really.. but i have a few things on my mind that i'd like to write about at the moment... so consider the wedding and marriage story a "work in progress"!! haha! literally, right?
anyway, this weekend, i finally started reading a book i purchased a while ago, called Walking the Bible by Bruce Feiler. Feiler is a "recovering" Jew (my term), who, at the start of this book, explains that he wants to get back to his Jewish roots, not just through literature (being that he's a writer by profession), but also in regards to a spiritual pursuit. anyway, google to find more about him. right now, this is about me.. heh heh...
so lately, i too have been really aching to reconnect with God and actually live in His Presence, rather than just the head knowledge that i have of His word. we can only live off of head knowledge really for less than a day. that personal relationship requires a daily hanging out with a person, and "inhaling", if you will, their essence. it has been a long time since my brain was able to shut down long enough for me to sit with my Father and rest with Him. so, i decided to start reading this book for a number of reasons. one, reading helps to calm me. two, good writers, such as Feiler, inspire me. and three, a book about visiting the places mentioned in the first five books of the Bible and discussing the lives of the people and places in the story really help me to dig into the Word more. oh, and there's a "fourth" reason... i really love reading the Old Testament. i could read Genesis over and over and find new things each time.
anyway, so i am really getting into this book (so much so that i was reading it after i got into bed last night and was falling asleep. it's a big, heavy book, so my poor neighbors downstairs had to hear a loud "THUMP" when i fell asleep and accidentally dropped the book on the floor from almost 3 feet high (the bed is a tall one!). and this morning, i decided to start my morning devotionals with reading Genesis again, since the book extensively talked about the first chapter of Genesis and the relationship of the creation story to water, land, and life.
reading Genesis this morning was great as the text came alive to me in a new way after reading the first chapter of the Feiler book. but i was still feeling like i was just approaching my morning devotionals with head matter, rather than heart and soul matter. i was feeling a little closer to God than i had been, but yet i felt the disconnect. i'm not reading these books simply for head knowledge and to satisfy my hunger for knowledge of the history and the land. i'm reading these books to give me a new understanding of God's love and purpose for me.
so this is the cool part... as i was briefly checking my email, i came across my daily "KLOVE's encouraging word of the day." i get these every day in my email, and they're great little "bites" of God's word! click here to sign up for them! so...
today's encouraging word of the day is this:
"Even before He made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in His eyes."
~ Ephesians 1:4, NLT (emphasis mine)
that for me was like God saying "I'm guiding your devotion to me. You keep making the efforts you're making until they become effortless, and spending time with me becomes like breathing again. I know that you are learning about me and that your heart desires me."
so as i'm reading about creation and the details of the history, God is telling me "see, before all that, I loved you and CHOSE you!"
reading that in my email was so encouraging. i love it when God lines up my life and speaks to me, especially when i think my ears are all plugged up!
:o)
that's all for now.
Christiane
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| All in You Jesus
©CLucasMusic2009
Raise my eyes to you in the morning light
But your cross is still my hope when the sun won’t shine
It’s all I know Everything about the Living water
Fills up every need of Your sons and daughters
It’s all I know Chorus
All that this world has to offer is nothing like
All that your love has to give
All that this world has to offer is nothing
It’s only in You that I live It’s all in You Je-sus
It’s all in You Je-sus
It’s all in You Je-sus
It’s all in You Je-sus Only in Your love can we bear good fruit
So I’m clinging to You Jesus straight down through my roots
It’s all I know There’s nobody knows me quite like you do
You know what’s on my mind before a thought is through
It’s all I know
Bridge Search me, O God, and know my heart
Test me and know all my anxious thoughts
Things not of you, even the smallest part
Lead me in the way – everlasting
The way everlasting Chorus Words&Music by Christiane Lucas // Duplication prohibited without author's approval
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So it's been over a month since my life changed completely, and I know I've been lagging with posting the story, but I just wanted to make sure that enough time passed so that I could get over the shock!
Anyway, I have been dating Jared for over 10 months now. We first met on December 1, after I finally agreed to give into Rusty Lawrence's insistence that I meet his son. (I work with Rusty at GA, and we became good friends while he helped me train for the 2008 Carlsbad Half Marathon. And at this time a year ago, I was so content with how my life was going, that I honestly wasn't interested in meeting anyone, not to mention finding a boyfriend!) So under the context of playing music together and practicing for an upcoming gig (in Dec '07), Jared and I met. That first night, we practiced some songs for about an hour, then spent the rest of the evening (some 3 or so hours) talking - about life, God, our hearts - I never expected to really talk heart-to-heart on our first meeting, but the conversation flowed so naturally into sharing some deep parts of ourselves, and I felt so safe and comfortable with this man.
We had our gig the week later, and afterwards went out with a friend to go get some dinner. Our interaction was so natural, as if we had not only been friends for a long time, but close, trusting friends. The next day, I surprised Jared by showing up unannounced at another gig he had in Encinitas' E-Street Cafe; a gig he had only mentioned once to me at our first meeting, and never spoke
of again. I was scared that he didn't remind me about it for the reason that maybe he had another girl along the sidelines. But as soon as he saw me across the room, his face lit up and he said "I'm sort of surprised to see you here!" But instead of an awkward moment, he took my hand and said "Come on! I want to introduce you to some friends of mine!" That was the night I met Jeff Beal, close pastor and friend, who passed away this past July. I also met some other close family friends, like the Starks.
After the gig, we took a walk on the cliff just at the end of E-Street. The night air was chilly, so I pulled blankets from my trunk and Jared grabbed my hand as we started walking along the dirt path, "to keep me from losing my balance." 
It was then that he told me that he really liked me, and that he thought I was a wonderful woman who had a heart for God and who loved people. I also shared that my feelings for him were viable, but that I was guarding my heart, because the next relationship I get into "will be the last one that leads to marriage."
"Me too," he whispered, with a deliberate look into my eyes.
After we said goodnight and drove away, I called my mother and told her "I met someone." By the end of our conversation, I was somewhat shocked by these words that confidently, and with great conviction, flowed from my lips -- "Mom, I think I met the man I'm going to marry."
A few days later, 13 days after our initial meeting, Jared took me out on a date and later on that evening asked me to "be his girl." (He first looked up towards heaven, and said "Can I?" Then he looked at me and said "OK, He said I could ask you... Christiane, will you be my girl?")
So fast forward to September...
My mother and I returned from Pennsylvania from a trip visiting my aunt Ellen and her family. It was probably the longest time away that Jared and I spent from each other since we met. And even then, my trip away was not indulged with long, drawn out phone calls to each other. We spent, at most, 20 minutes at any given time talking on the phone, saying goodnight or hello.
Jared picked me up from my grandma's house (since my mom and I flew into LAX), and he brought my mom and gramma a dozen white roses, while I received a dozen reds. On our way back to San Diego, he brought up the question of what I would like to do next Saturday. "Next Saturday? He never plans ahead like this." He suggested maybe going to Seaport Village, which immediately alerted me that something may be going on, since anytime he suggests an activity on a free Saturday, it's usually a day at the beach surfing. That entire week following, we saw each other every evening, and he was acting really suspicious. I realized that the following Saturday was our 9-month anniversary, and thought that it would be so romantic to be proposed to then. But by the end of the week, I decided to put the thought out of my head, because it still was rather soon (even though we did go ring shopping at 3 months into the relationship, and even though I knew that he had met with my mom within the prior month to "speak with her"). I decided that I shouldn't get my hopes up so as not to ruin a beautiful day should it not end with a proposal.
Come Saturday, his mom, Maryann, made up breakfast since I spent the night at her and Rusty's. Jared and I were getting ready to leave when we got in a fight because I heard him speaking with our Pastor's wife, agreeing to help pick up equipment later that afternoon. I felt bad because he was making plans on our special day, which meant we'd have to cut short our downtown excursion. That all got cleared up eventually (thanks Pops for picking up the sound stuff!), and Jared and I finally made our way south at around 2pm.
We had decided to eat lunch (it was a late lunch) at the Fish Market right next to the Midway, and then afterwards head to Seaport Village. After lunch, though, it was still so extremely beautiful out, that I suggested we go drive out to Coronado. His quick agreement convinced me that he had nothing planned at Seaport Village.
After walking around the Hotel Del for a bit, we headed back towards the Coronado Beach, where he handed me an anniversary card that I was supposed to read only when we got to the shore. We set our beach blanket down and I got on my tummy to read the card. As usual, it was a wonderfully picked card (he has a gift for picking out the sweetest, most perfect cards, and writing the most beautiful things).
I got to the end of the card, which read "I am excited about the adventure of falling more and more in love with you. That is why I would like to ask you a question about our future..." I read the "dot, dot, dot" and turned the card over.. nothing!!! "You didn't finish writing!" I told him, and looked at this man with a huge grin on his face. I started flipping out, and he got up and came over to my side of the blanket, kneeling on the sand. I was so stunned, I didn't know what to do.. Do I stand up? Do I get back on my stomach? Do I ... WHAT DO I DO?!?!??!?
I couldn't get off my knees. I didn't want to attract any attention to us, but also, I felt so humbled at what was happening, that I stayed on my knees (it's ok, i would have probably fallen over if i tried to stand on them...).
Jared also ended up on both knees, took a black box out of his pocket, and with the other hand, ever so gently reached for mine and said "Christiane, ... will you be my bride?"
Still stunned, I alternated throwing tight hugs around him and squealing "What?!?!? Na-uh... Are you freaking serious? Are you kidding me? You're joking me, right?!?!?!"
I eventually said yes, and calmed down. We held each other for a few moments more on that beach blanket, reveling in what just happened and what we had just become -- engaged! Behind us, the full moon was rising over Hotel Del, a deep-orange sun was setting in front of us, casting a pre-autumn glow over Point Loma; and in between, Venus and Mars aligned!  (Aww, c'mon... I had to insert that slice of cheesiness!)
Anyway, this last month has been quite productive, with me having already purchased and picked up my wedding dress, and finally sending in the deposit for our ceremony/reception venue. We are planning a Coronado beach wedding in March 2009 (at the North Island NAS), where we will exchange our vows on the very same stretch of beach that Jared proposed to me on!!!
God has been most faithful --- not just in these details, not just in bringing Jared and I together at the most perfect time for both our lives, but He has been faithful my entire life. Through the good times, through the trials, through the times when I didn't want to hold on anymore... through the times when I thought my heart would explode because life was going so beautifully... I have constantly been reminded how LOVED I am!
And now, as I have this amazing opportunity to be in relationship with Jared, I get to experience a deeper aspect of God's love through a most loving man not only has a sincere passion for my LORD, but who cares for me deeply and isn't afraid to show it!
I am excited for this time ahead. 150 days and counting. This is gonna be good, folks! This is gonna be good!
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| i just got back from a weekend of celebrating the "Send Off" of my best friend, Liza, as she prepares to enter the lifestyle and mindset of committing herself to living in a convent and becoming a nun serving at the Carmelite Sisters of the Sacred Heart of LA. Saturday was a fun time of hanging out with "just the girls" as we met up at Maria's house in Anaheim before heading down to Temecula to go wine tasting at one of the fine wineries there. it was all laughs and deep, spiritual conversation, as is the norm whenever i spend time with Liza or any of her Catholic friends. her friendships are always so genuine and real, that most of the time, her friends become women who connect so closely with my own heart.
after laughs, cheese, brie, extra-sour sourdough bread, .. oh yeah, .. and some wine, we headed back north to Anaheim Hills to meet at another girlfriend's house for desserts and snacks, and (to Liza's surprise), and impromtu, private concert put on by yours truly.
Liza is probably one of the very few friends i would do that for.. bring my guitar (much to my own resistence), and perform for her and a few close friends who may have never heard me play, and may not really be interested in hearing me. but like aforementioned, it's pretty much a given that the friends that she draws into her crazy world of authenticity are the kind of people who can appreciate heartfelt soulbaring and intimate vulnerability.
we lost track of time, and before we knew it, we were heading back to Maria's at 12:30 in the morning (or later) to pick up our cars and head home (which for me was back to my mom's where i was staying the weekend).
the next morning, my mom and i received a very pleasant surprise when my brother called us to tell us he had a few hours in the area to have breakfast with us. without hesitating (ok.. it took a while to drag our bodies out of bed.. or mine, at least)... we got ready and picked up Immanuel. we had breakfast at a (literally) hole in the wall southern restaurant, that (inside) looked like your typical chain restaurant. but from the outside, looked closed down! after breakfast, we went back to mom's to find another surprise -- one of my young cousins and my uncle were at the house hanging out. my mom and i babysat and played wtih my cousin while my uncle did some work around the house for his older brother. this exhausted me, and of course delayed us from leaving on time to get to Liza's "nun voyage" goodbye party with her friends and family. mom also had to drive my brother to the train station so he could start heading up north.
we got to Diamond Bar around 6 and had a nice time eating and chatting with some really cool and interesting people. at the end of the evening, mom left, and i stayed back to help clean up and go back home with Liza. i had taken the following Monday off to spend one last day with her before she entered the convent.
so yesterday, Liza made me flat pancakes (pronounced pan-ka-kez) for breakfast while we chatted with her mom and dad. then went over to her aunt's to help clean up from the party the night before. then we took a dip in the pool and spent the rest of the day pretty much just hanging out and chatting.
it soon neared the time when she would drive me back to my mom's and i would have to bid my final farewells. we encouraged each other on the drive back and tried not to chat about shallow things that would waste our last moments together. of course, a few serious (somewhat teary-eyed) conversations would get boldly interupted by a segment of an 80's song that had something to do with words that may have just been spoken. that is a very normal scenario with many of our conversations together.
she soon arrived at my mom's door, and we shared last minute meaningful prayer requests. no tears yet, until after she said goodbye to my grandmother and we hugged in the front yard. of course, she made some funny remark and laughed, at which i (already clutching her close) responded with quiet, ever so quiet tearfulness.
she half-whispered "I'm gonna go now," and i quickly let her go and turned away mumbling "ok, I'll see ya later!" and ran into the house.
behind closed doors, hot tears popped out of my sockets.
after having a nice dinner with my mom and grandma, i headed to san diego to see someone whom i missed terribly. it was a sweet reunion with Jared, and i didn't know what else to do but look at him and smile, and dig my face into his neck. for about 20 minutes, we sat there on the couch, just holding each other and watching (of all things) baseball. then, almost without warning, there they came again. the tears found their exit route through my eyes again and squeezed through burning my eyelids before chilling my lashes and cheeks.
i think i cried for over an hour - Jared at a loss for what else to do but hold me and remain quiet.
i fell asleep like that, with pools in my eyes that turned into crusty voids with the morning air.
and off to work to try and forget that i've had to say goodbye to one of my most dearest friends, without knowing when i will be able to see or speak with her again.
so as i write this, at a quarter to 8 in the evening, again, my heart is pierced by sadness. yes.... it's a selfish sadness. my best friend and sister is entering into a life of fully committing herself to spending time with our Lord and learning more about His love for her and the world. so these tears and this sadness is of course borne from a selfish realization that i will have to cease communication with yet another close friend -- one of the very few people who knows me down to my very core. it's almost like breaking up with a boyfriend, sort of. someone whom i've invested my time into and whom i've gotten to know and love is ceasing communication with me. that is a bad comparison, but in some way, it's what i think is bringing this sadness about. it's the pain that i relate to at this very moment.
there is this newfound loneliness and that horrid feeling of rejection, even though rejection is the last thing that this is about. there is a feeling of being alone, of having few that understand (although there are many that do), of losing with that gaping feeling of emptiness.
i need so very much right now to be held. to be spoken to and told that i am not alone.
it will take a while for this wave to roll over me and subside. i'm already feeling that exhaustion from the emotion and crying. i'm already feeling that loneliness. and tonight, there is a disappointment from looking forward to spending time with the only person right now that is nearby (meaning, in the same town) to love me and understand, and being told that he will rather stay at home and rest. there is that added sadness of just being utterly alone as i go home to my dark, messy room to process this all by myself and to miss my sister.
i am going to make this "sacrifice of friendship" -- besides, there is no other choice. and i gladly do it for i know that it is so much for the better! my behavior, although very valid and understandable, is silly when looked at from the perspective that Liza is following her heart, and following her Love. but i think that it is important to deal with this and let the sadness run its course.
i guess, sadness running its course means that you are alone for a time to do it.
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as if time has not already hurricaned by over the last 7 months, July has brought with it a whirlwind of emotions, loss, weariness, and.... hope...
what started off as a normal 4th of July weekend ended with the loss of a dear friend, Jeff Beal. on Sunday, July 6th, the Lord called this beautiful man / friend / spiritual father / servant home to be with Him. Jeff's memorial on the 19th was beautiful and filled with such sweet memories of his life and his relationships with so many people. i don't know what more i can say. i feel as if i am so unworthy to even miss this person, since i only knew him for such a short time, and spent little time with him. but the time that i did know him, he made me feel like he knew who i was, like he had been a part of my life for years. i think there is something else that endears me deeply to Jeff, and that is the impact he's had on a family that i love so much, and on a man whom i am growing to love more and more every day.
Jeff was like a grandfather to Jared. Maryann and Rusty were extremely close to Jeff and his late wife, Joy, who went Home 4 years ago. whenever i think of Jeff, i am reminded of his deep love for this family; his closeness to them, and their devotion as a father to him. i am reminded of how he poured out so much of his heart to them, to counsel them, guide them, lead them. i cry when i think of how Jared looked up to Jeff and cared so much for him. it warms my heart that the Lord took such care of Jared through this man's love and care. i always had hoped that the man i would be with would have been raised by not only caring and God-fearing parents, but by a community who also walked with the Lord.
it's not so amazing (but it is) to also see that the other people Jeff poured his life into returned that love by caring for others around them. it brought sweet laughter when Peter Pupping introduced Maryann and Rusty to the stage when they spoke at Jeff's memorial, saying that he always considered them the "cool couple!" Peter also spent a lot of time with a young Jared, inspiring him and encouraging him in more ways than musical pursuits. Jared shared his fond memories with me of Peter taking the young guys out to shoot hoops while the parents were in Bible Study. and seeing and hearing young Josh Pupping speak of his time with Jeff was not only inspiring, it was a preaching of the gospel! i don't think there was a dry eye in the church when Josh, with fervent emotion, cried out "I don't know how anyone could know Jeff and not believe in Jesus Christ!" this young man was one of the many hearts that Jeff ministered to and nurtured.
i'm rambling... but like i said.. i don't know what i can say. i've never lost anyone to death before.. and it's been heartbreaking not only in my own spirit, but to see the sadness in those whom i love so much. when Jeff passed away, i told Jared that morning "He's not dead. He planted SO many seeds and tended so many gardens. His fruit is alive and is going to continue feeding so many. He's still here, in the works that he did in his lifetime!"
and we see that happening! there have been many get-togethers in memory of Jeff, but also in the name of fellowship and rejoicing. we have been spending a lot of time with Jared's family and friends, as well as being a little more proactive to get to know more people at Life Gate, the church we go to.
God has been answering prayers in our lives and fulfilling his promises of guidance and direction to us.
Another sad loss happened this past Friday when my mom's dog, Kaiser, passed away. i cried with her, hard. it's amazing how God uses even the smallest of his creation to bring such joy and happiness. she cared so much for that dog, giving him special treats (and treatment) and taking such good care of him. if there is one person in this world who i know gives her all to loving, whether it's her kids, mom, sisters, brothers, or her pets, it's my mom. any sweetness that i ever have inside of me is from what she's planted in me all my life.
OK.. i'm out of steam and have lost my train of thought.
bottom line, i guess i meant to write, is that it's been a long month.. just in this one month alone. i'm tired and run down. but i do know this, God is never slow in keeping his promises!! (2 Peter 3:9) He hears us when we cry out to him, especially when we cry out to him in truth.
the other day, Jared and i cried out to him to give us direction, not just in our relationship, but in everything that is going on in our lives. this is what He told us:
"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go. I will counsel you and watch over you." (Psalms 32:8)
He has been so faithful in illuminating the areas in our lives that we have been afraid to look into. He has been so faithful in bringing us into the places where He wants us to walk and to grow in.
i am humbled by His heart for us, for His desire to see us learn to love and receive love. i am humbled by how He cares for us,.. not just that He DOES care for us.. but the ways which He cares, guides, leads, nurtures.
Jared has shown me a love unlike i've ever known in another human being. i had always prayed for a man who would love me as close to how a man can love like Christ loves (did that make sense??). the way that Jared cares for me, protects me, loves me is beyond what i can express in words. when he looks at me, i am humbled by the love of Christ in his eyes.
no... Jeff is not gone, my friends. the way Jesus loved him and the way Jeff responded to that love by loving others.. THAT is alive in all of us who knew this man. i am tasting the sweetness of that fruit as i have been welcomed and loved so deeply by the family that has been favorably watered by God's love through Jeff Beal.
i will EVER be grateful for that.
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